Medium Regular with Dottie
Art by Salty Dave (ed. note. go get a knoblin tattoo from Salty)
What's up world, it's your old friend Dottie. I know we’re living through a shit storm but lucky for you I’m connected to the stars , and I ain't talking celebrities!. I’ve been hitting the baileys and staring at the moon and have some cosmic advice for you this month - enjoy
Capricorn Dec 22 - January 19
The line between reality and fantasy is beyond blurred and you’re just trying to make it through the day. Hun, I get it. I faked my own death once to get out of a relationship. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! But I did learn that sometimes we need to harness our escapism and deal with reality though hard as it may be. This month look around and appreciate some little things that make you happy to be here. Also don’t forget to dream.
Aquarius *Jan 20-feb 18
Aquarius are known for being aloof and somewhat detached which makes me wonder if the phone operator from the health insurance company I was speaking to was also born between Jan 20- Feb 18. ANYWHO, this month try to engage and help someone around you. Especially if your name is Nancy - PS I am still on hold.
Pisces Feb 19- March 20
You’ve been dazed and off your game lately. Focusing is extremely hard . Maybe it's because you lost your Job and no longer have access to mental health resources but who’s to say. Take this time to do something nice for yourself. Whether it's taking a walk, calling a friend or drinking that 8th cup of coffee of the day.
Aries * March 21- April 19
Your love life is messier than a group of bros drinking in the seaport on a friday night - loud, chaotic and likely to commit murder. It's hard to find love when we’re also not loving ourselves. This month slow down and masterbate 5 times a day. Also why are you hanging out at the seaport?
Taurus * April 20 - May 20
You’ve been smoking menthols against the dumpster behind Friendly’s for the past 2 hours and you feel like you’re having an outer body experience. It could be the lack of oxygen or maybe you are really cruising down that astral plane. Sometimes there's so much going on it's hard to keep ourselves rooted in reality. This month try to find something positive to focus on that you find grounding. Hopefully it's not smoking by the dumpster.
Gemini * May 21- June 20
You’re stuck in mind numbing traffic on 93 so you start speeding down the breakdown lane blasting “ Radar Love” by Gold Earing which is only making you go faster. Though I like your style , it sounds extremely dangerous for everyone involved. Traffic blows but like anything in life sometimes we have to learn to be patient.
Cancer *June 21 - July 22
Maybe it's all the climate disasters or the rise in fascism and not being able to afford to live but you’re feeling pretty blue this month - winter am I right? This month try to set some time aside for yourself whether it's meditation , a nice walk or just staring at that crack in your wall for way too long. Remember it's okay to take a moment for yourself.
Leo July 23 - Aug 22
Leos are known for being dramatic and performers and you are FLAUNTING it this month (but honestly hun , that top looks great on you). You feel like the world is trying to put you down so you gotta turn it up! So, turn it up baby!! Unless you are in the waiting room , then kindly turn the fuck down some of us are here for therapy.
Virgo Aug 23- Sept 22
You’re known to be a bit judgemental and my house is a JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE!! I’m talking about no bra liquid lunch judgment free like drinking the cooking wine by mistake judgment free - GOT IT?!? So why don’t you calm the fuck down??? Some of us are just trying to live.
Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22
Like many of the current MBTA trains, your life is going off the rails. It may not always be bursting into flames, but you are feeling off course. Maybe it's the shuttle buses or the never ending inflation but it feels like you can’t get ahead. Take some time for yourself this month you deserve it , and remember as hard as it feels we can’t control everything.
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
I dated a scorpio once - YIKES. Let's just say I got stung. Maybe it was their nature but it sure as hell wasn’t mine. Sometimes we think we’re in love and sometimes we make big mistakes. But honestly hun, messing with me is a bigger mistake.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ve been hooking up with strangers in the local coffee shop bathroom and you’ve begun to wonder if life is all just hand jobs and glazed donuts? Sometimes these realizations lead us on a path to change ourselves for the better. So, get outta that bathroom , get some fresh air and try to pursue positive change. Ps please wash your hands.
What's up world, it's your old friend Dottie. I know we’re living through a shit storm but lucky for you I’m connected to the stars , and I ain't talking celebrities!. I’ve been hitting the box wine and staring at the moon and have some cosmic advice for you this month - enjoy
Capricorn Dec 22 - January 19
You’ve been wrapped in a blanket and haven’t left your bed in days. It might be the crippling depression you’re suffering from or maybe you’re just really comfortable. Sometimes it's hard to get up and face the day but we have to . The world is harsh and unrelenting but it's important to find the little joys in it. Call a friend and have a good laugh. Oh and wash the sheets this week.
Aquarius *Jan 20-feb 18
Your sign is known to be easy going. Like returning the car on empty , I’ll know the chickens ready when the smoke alarm goes off kind of LAID back. This month try to walk through the world with a little more urgency. Help someone out, volunteer , get up and put some energy into something that will help others. Also , the smoke alarm is going off - I think your dinners ready.
Pisces Feb 19- March 20
You’ve been avoidant and non responsive. Faking your own death seems like a viable option but you’re wondering if a ghost can still go to their favorite dance night ( that's what wigs are for hun). ANYWAYS, sometimes it's hard to interact when you’re in a rut. This month remember you’ve got people in the world that love you. Try to reach out even if it's hard. Also what dance night are you going to?
Aries * March 21- April 19
Your energy level has been blah lately. Like a vibrator losing battery power you’re buzzin along but not really getting the job done. This month try to do a few things that inspire you , get you out of your rut. Whether it's watching a movie you’ve never seen or walking around a place you’ve never been , sometimes a change of pace can help us snap out of our haze. Oh and get some double A batteries.
Taurus * April 20 - May 20
You’re known to be one of the most logical of all the signs which is much needed these days. Not a lot of people want to listen to reason ( yes , I know that extra glass of wine resulted in me being escorted out but that's ANOTHER story) . Sometimes it's hard to be the one always delivering truth non stop. This month live in a fantasy for a minute or two. Wear that wild coat, pretend you’re onstage ect. Oh and if you can put in a good word for me with Mary the bartender I’d appreciate it!
Gemini * May 21- June 20
Gemini’s are social and impulsive which is a blast until the one you’re dating decides to go skydiving into someone else's pussy. This month while feeling impulsive take a step back and perhaps reflect on what you’re about to do. Also I REPEAT , I don’t know who slashed your tires.
Cancer *June 21 - July 22
I once dated a cancer, what a royal pain in my ass. They once left a message on my machine listing all the ways they didn’t like me anymore, how's that for embracing honesty? Though honesty is great, maybe this month also try embracing kindness .
Leo July 23 - Aug 22
You’re known to be dramatic and put on a show but doing donuts in your ex’s work parking lot while screaming WHORE may be a lot for a Tuesday ( personally hun thats a friday evening activity ). Though I love a bit of flair sometimes we really got to know when to show off. This month try to breathe before you go off and blow off steam by running or screaming into the void. Oh, and see you in the parking lot!
Virgo Aug 23- Sept 22
Like the billionaires that thought they could take a sega genesis controlled mini van down to the titanic, you’re a bit delusional lately. Maybe it's all the ship wreckage forums you’re now on or the self medicating with 5 hour energy but things have begun to unravel. This month try to step outside yourself and see the sun , the moon , trees touch grass as they say. If there's no grass touch the pavement, just stay off the 5 hour energy.
Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22
You’re saying yes to everything and its becoming exhausting. Honestly hun, no offense you should have said no to those bangs. This month throw NO into your vocabulary. Remember you don’t have to please everyone! And lucky for you we’re in hat season.
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
Listen hun, the only scorpion I’m getting close to these days is a scorpion bowl ( preferably from Kowlouns) You’re known for being passionate and fiery but sometimes it can be too much. This month embrace your softer side a bit, see how the other half lives. Oh, and If you’re heading out to route one give Ol’ Dot a call.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
As of late you’ve been spending a lot of your days robbotripping around the neighborhood seeing visions in all the bathtub mary’s . Though it sounds fun , You’ve now been put on the neighborhood watch list with rat poison man and the flasher. This month ditch the religion and cough medicine and do some self reflection and make some springtime goals. Also feel free to mace the flasher.